fishydreams

I just discovered a little story I wrote some time back but never put on the blog. It seems a shame to let it go to waste, so here it is:

A few years ago we went into a big hardware shop called Leroy Merlin down on the coast and, as we were wandering around the various aisles, I bumped into the strongest man in Spain. As you might expect, he was massive. I reckoned he was about the size of a barn. It looked as though a human head had been placed on the top of a sac of boulders.

I had no idea what the strongest man in Spain was doing in the hardware store. Maybe he had run out of rawl plugs or needed some drill bits, or maybe he was going to head towards the gardening section to get stakes for growing his tomatoes.

But then I discovered he was there for a very specific purpose. As it happens, some kind of miracle superglue had been developed and this giant had been commissioned to demonstrate just how strong and fast-acting it was. In the demonstration they applied this bionic adhesive to cement two metal plates together. A chain from one plate was attached to a fridge and a chain from the other plate was attached one end of a pole. There were two fridges set up this way, each attached to opposite ends of the pole. The strongest man in Spain was going to hoist the two fridges up into the air. But before this happened he spoke to two attractive young ladies who just happened to be standing nearby and he said to them “why don´t each of you ladies take a seat on a fridge?”

I suspect that sitting on fridges may not have been on their minds but the two young ladies meekly acquiesced (as might anybody who is asked to do anything by a person who looks like they could tear them limb from limb using their little fingers). They dutifully took their seats on the two fridges. And that´s when the real magic happened. Hercules puts some talc on his hands, limbers up, does a little stretch or two, makes a few neanderthal grunts, stretches the pole across his massive shoulders and stands up and lifting the women and fridges clean off the ground.

We were all mesmerised! There was a man the size of a horse supporting two fridges and a couple of eye-catching young ladies. And, man, how good was that glue?! We were bowled over. We hadn´t been counting on seeing anything remotely like this between the plumbing isle and exterior and interior paints.

After he had returned the fridges and the women safely to the surface of the earth, the giant asked us if anyone wanted to have a photo taken with him. Of course we did!  We duly formed an orderly queue. I was the easiest person to spot in this queue because, as it happens, I was the only adult. Everyone else was about 7 years old.

When my turn came the giant and exchanged a few words and he told me a little about his status in the world of strong men. These are the guys who pull trucks and lift stones the size of small planets and put a thousand eggs in their omelettes. Trinny took our photo on her phone to mark the occasion and then we parted ways. It was only later that I regretted not having asked for his phone number. After all, you never know when you might need to have heavy furniture to move around.

Here´s me with the strongest man in Spain (I´m the one on the right!)

Steve Lawler and I made a little trip to a town near Córdoba the other day. The town is called Montoro and the Río Guadalquivir approaching it from the west begins to wrap itself around the northern half of the town before changing its mind and continuing on its eastward journey downstream towards Córdoba.

As you might imagine, I live a life luxury and excess but Steve, frankly, lives in abject squalor. There are no silk sheets for him! Instead he beds down on an old mattress and covers himself in a mouldy blanket.